August 1st, 2016 was a significant day, bringing relief and clarity. I started a new job that day, but that’s not the main focal point. On this particular day I awoke from a haze, a spell that sent my life into a confusing declivity.
I think it all started when my father was first hospitalised in 2013. That night, I was sitting down to dinner at a restaurant with my girlfriend. Our food was just being served when I got the call. My dad does not get hurt, he hardly ever got sick. The whole thing shook me up. Not long after, both that relationship and my cushy office job started to wobble, and eventually came to their respecteducation ends. I just found myself unhappy, unsatisfied. I pretended I knew what I was doing, though I was lost.
Slowly my attendance at concerts trickled down to maybe one every other month or so, quite a change from one or two a week. Reaching out to friends and family was minimal, especially in late 2015 up until this summer. Since then, it’s been an onslaught of heartache. Word that an aunt does not have much time, finding out mom is having health issues, dad gets worse. My saving depleted, sometimes money came in allowing me to barely keep up, sometimes not creating a hole of debt, complicating things further, and adding stress. I often wondered what was the matter with me. It wasn’t drugs or alcohol, if it were I may have an excuse. I was frozen.
I walked into my new place of employment that week, putting in just shy of 60 hours. Motivation was overwhelming me. Though I secluded myself, I took a lot of time to think, mostly about various aspects of life. Also, I filled almost two notebooks worth of ideas, concepts, and content for Nefarious Realm. I think I was trying to slow down as much of life as possible to figure things out, sit back and observe more than take part. But starting the morning of August 1st, I hit the ground running.
I now know what I want, where I want to be, what I want to do. To have goals, drive, inspiration, and desire again feels exhilarating. My thought process seems different, I’m more calm and collected. While it has only been a few months and it would seem like I’m doing the same things, I’m going about life in a completely different way.
I don’t blame anyone. Only myself. I view it as a crash course of life lessons all compacted into one giant stretch of time. It’s been a challenging and rough few years. Now to make things right, do fun things again, and live the life I always wanted.